Pain Panned Out
There I was standing by the tree in my front yard watching the kids play. Suddenly I felt the unmistakable stinging. I looked down to see a good amount of tiny critters scurrying haphazardly around my flip flop, foot, and ankle. I swatted the ants off of me, but it was too late. The little bumps were already appearing and boy did they itch.
I hurried inside and made a straight shot to our medicine cabinet. I pulled out the burn and sting relief cream (which just so happens to be the most commonly used item in our first aid kit), reached down, and slathered the cream all over the affected area. Coming back to full standing made me light headed. The pain from the stings was too much. My body went into full panic attack stress reaction. My breath changed to hyperventilating. My limbs began cramping. I was a medical major in college so in my head I knew what was happening, but I couldn't get my brain to tell my body to snap out of it. The sympathetic nervous system already sent out the troops and was in full fight or flight response. I told my husband I was in shock. I coached him on how to treat me for shock. It didn't seem to be working. Finally, my body was cramped so bad that I asked him to carry me to the car and head for the Emergency Room.
Details are pretty hazy for me after that. All I know is I ended up stranded in a hospital bed in the hallway of the ER. The unsympathetic doctor gave me two pills without explanation then left me there to die (so I thought). Husband ditched me (for good reason) to drop the kids over at a friend's house. I laid there alone, feeling ignored while the ER room bustled around me. I was in the most dreadful pain. I looked up at the florescent lit ceiling and wanted to will my spirit to leave my body to be free of the pain. "This is how people don't fear death in the moment," I thought to myself. The idea of the spirit exiting the body becomes a perfectly rational desire when experiencing so much pain. To this day I have yet to feel any pain that rivals it (thankfully). My loins hurt, my chest hurt, my fingers and legs hurt all because of the physiological response of my body to the threatening fire ant army. Crazy how our bodies work.
Didn't the hospital staff know how much I hurt? Didn't they care? Surely my case warranted more attention! When the doctor finally did return I asked her for an explanation of what just happened inside my body. I was hoping for a good little physiological review. Instead all I got was "I just think you are under a lot of stress and you need to take it easy. You are free to go when you feel ready to sit up." After a little while I was escorted back to my vehicle via wheelchair. I spent the next few days sleeping a lot.
A while later I had a phone chat with my mother about the experience. "Why on earth did that happen?" I asked her. I'd received a few fire ant stings before that didn't land me in the ER. My always wise mother said, "I don't know, but if nothing else at least now you can have empathy for others who go through similar things like suffering through panic attacks." I love that woman. I think of her words often. I'm thinking of them this week.
A year after that experience I found myself in the midst of severe emotional pain. Yep, one of those painfully heartsick trials wherein there is no cure except the grace of God. I wrote this in my journal:
Perhaps the only good thing about having sustained pain is that the experience gifts me empathy to others who have similar injuries or worse, and empathy, which I've heard is a psychological antidote for natural man thought patterns and actions, may be a key component to our sanctification as it aligns our thoughts and actions more with the will of God. So for the first time in my life I attain an inkling of how people can glory in their afflictions and have gratitude for their trials.Why pain? Is there more to gain from pain other than empathy for others and gratitude for Christ's full scope suffering on behalf of mankind? Perhaps that's the gist of it, perhaps there is more. If you have other insights, dear Reader, I would love to read them.
Robert D. Hales offers fabulous insight into understanding the role of pain. In his address "Healing Soul and Body" he noted that the depth of pain he felt while being physically restricted from a surgery recovery was counterbalanced by the height of joy that came because his mind was left with little else to do but ponder on things of eternity. He describes pondering as focusing the mind on ideas in conjunction with prayer, scripture study, and listening to the spirit. He came to learn that pondering is an important element in the healing process for both the body and the soul. He learned asking why and how are fruitless, but enduring in faith and asking for the strength to overcome the pain will undoubtedly lead to greater understanding in the future.
Dear Reader, there was a time in my life I found myself surrounded by the compassionate words of my friends and family. While they were nothing but well meaning and sincere in an effort to uplift, I got to a point where I thought to myself, "I no longer want to discuss this with anyone but Christ. He's the only one who knows what I'm going through."
So it is, dear Reader, that when we surrender ourselves to the Lord, draw near to Him, ask Him to carry the cause of our pain, and wait patiently on His timing for deliverance we find peace, perspective, and greater hope until one day we see we are a fulfillment of Isaiah 40:31 "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
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