Hope Died In the Fire
My dear friend and I were having one of our typical conversations- catch up on each other's good, sad, funny, and bad. At one point in the conversation she looked at me earnestly and said, "Bad news. Your Christmas present, the hope necklace, it was lost in the fire."
Unsure whether to laugh or cry at the perfect irony I pouted back "Hope died in the fire."
That was eight months ago. Little did I know that 2019 would shape out to be the year of my most trying pendulum swing between hope and despair to date, and little did my dear friend know that her 2019 would shape out to be the terrible cliche bad country song where her dog dies and house catches fire and she gets blacklisted by jealous souls when the only crime committed is giving her whole heart. Each of those things happened to her this year, literally. Those are her stories to tell though, and should she ever take me up on drafting a guest post, perhaps we'll get to read a few details from those or the plethora of other gripping tales that make up her life. For now, back to the point of this post.
Recently I experienced it, the let down that finally crushed my already broken-backed camel. I can't pull up. This camel wants to lay down and never move another step or drink another sip of water or survive another sandstorm. Find me a shady oasis and let the caravan go on without me. I jest, but I assure you, in reality my heart and mind are quite serious about their battle fatigue. In my quiet moments I hear the track of my own voice "hope died in the fire" looping through my brain. During one such quiet moment just moments ago actually while waiting for my preschooler to fall asleep, my mind drifted back to the devastation of my friend's home, and the fire started by lightning of all things. Lightning! Of all things!...a designed act of God or a randomized hazard of earth life? That's for my friend to ponder on, but for the sake of my own metaphor working in my soul tonight, I'm going with act of God.
God touches us with his lightning bolt power to kindle within us the commonly phrased 'refiner's fire'. Wait a second, hold up. Slam the breaks. Refiner's fire, pshh. The exhausted, broken-backed camel part of my brain raises its hand to ask what happens if I was one of those metal working projects that couldn't take the heat? I think I was one of those. I tried for so long, but it got too hot.
Dear Reader, you have now just met my Trauma Brain. Trauma Brain happens to be the same part of my brain that a few months ago was asked to journal out the details of some very hard events in my life. It couldn't stomach writing the actual words so it painted a picture and wrote in fairy tale format instead. It brings that painting to my mind's eye now. I recall the story I wrote.
Now comes the rebuttal from a different part of my brain trying to convince me that I absolutely did not burn up in the refiner's fire or crack from falling off a ledge. Didn't happen. Won't happen. Because I. KNOW. TOO. MUCH. Too hot? Nah, no such thing. Let's revisit Daniel 3 where our heroes are forced into an infinitely hot furnace just for choosing faith over fear, and my favorite part of the whole story, King Nebuchadnezzar's words of astonishment.
"Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?"
They answered and said unto the king, "True, O king."
He answered and said, "Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God."
That's it. That's what I know. I know that sometimes the only apparent blessing for choosing faith is the privilege of being aware that Christ is present and helping. Those sweet moments are refining, but because we're still in the process of creation, still in the process of being forged into the brilliant precious metal we're meant to be, that experience of added testimony serves to kindle the fire all the more, but maybe hope does die in the fire. If so, it only dies because BELIEF is now born and BELIEF in Christ is the part in the chemistry experiment where God finally has something to work with in order to bring to pass His work, His glory, His miraculous path of eternal life for each of us.
Christ tells us-
"Be not afraid, only believe." (Mark 5:36)
"If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." (Mark 9:23)
"As many as receive me, to them will I give power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe in my name." (D&C 11:30)
Bruce R. McConkie writes
Of course, those designated prayer spaces are of no use in a house unless used by the individual those spaces were designed for. Similar to the architects of that house, God, who is our maker and master architect, has provided within each one of us the means for us to personally communicate with him through prayer transmitted from our own minds to him, and a means of receiving communication straight from him directly inside our tabernacles of flesh into our individual hearts and minds.
One of the most vital things we can do here during our soul-renovation mortal lives is to keep in prayerful contact with Our Maker because he's the only one who can take us by the hand and show us the way to inherit all that is available to a child of deity. We work with him by letting hope and faith yield experience and BELIEF and knowledge and refinement and intelligence and one day joint-heirship with Christ.
Unsure whether to laugh or cry at the perfect irony I pouted back "Hope died in the fire."
That was eight months ago. Little did I know that 2019 would shape out to be the year of my most trying pendulum swing between hope and despair to date, and little did my dear friend know that her 2019 would shape out to be the terrible cliche bad country song where her dog dies and house catches fire and she gets blacklisted by jealous souls when the only crime committed is giving her whole heart. Each of those things happened to her this year, literally. Those are her stories to tell though, and should she ever take me up on drafting a guest post, perhaps we'll get to read a few details from those or the plethora of other gripping tales that make up her life. For now, back to the point of this post.
Recently I experienced it, the let down that finally crushed my already broken-backed camel. I can't pull up. This camel wants to lay down and never move another step or drink another sip of water or survive another sandstorm. Find me a shady oasis and let the caravan go on without me. I jest, but I assure you, in reality my heart and mind are quite serious about their battle fatigue. In my quiet moments I hear the track of my own voice "hope died in the fire" looping through my brain. During one such quiet moment just moments ago actually while waiting for my preschooler to fall asleep, my mind drifted back to the devastation of my friend's home, and the fire started by lightning of all things. Lightning! Of all things!...a designed act of God or a randomized hazard of earth life? That's for my friend to ponder on, but for the sake of my own metaphor working in my soul tonight, I'm going with act of God.
God touches us with his lightning bolt power to kindle within us the commonly phrased 'refiner's fire'. Wait a second, hold up. Slam the breaks. Refiner's fire, pshh. The exhausted, broken-backed camel part of my brain raises its hand to ask what happens if I was one of those metal working projects that couldn't take the heat? I think I was one of those. I tried for so long, but it got too hot.
Dear Reader, you have now just met my Trauma Brain. Trauma Brain happens to be the same part of my brain that a few months ago was asked to journal out the details of some very hard events in my life. It couldn't stomach writing the actual words so it painted a picture and wrote in fairy tale format instead. It brings that painting to my mind's eye now. I recall the story I wrote.
Once upon a time there was a little girl and a wolf. The wolf lived in the mountains high in a tower that touched the sky. He followed the little girl around until she turned to stone. He carried her to the top of the tower and set her on a ledge. A gentle breeze blew and she teetered off the ledge and broke into scattered pieces. Meanwhile the young prince was shackled in the basement.
Now comes the rebuttal from a different part of my brain trying to convince me that I absolutely did not burn up in the refiner's fire or crack from falling off a ledge. Didn't happen. Won't happen. Because I. KNOW. TOO. MUCH. Too hot? Nah, no such thing. Let's revisit Daniel 3 where our heroes are forced into an infinitely hot furnace just for choosing faith over fear, and my favorite part of the whole story, King Nebuchadnezzar's words of astonishment.
"Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?"
They answered and said unto the king, "True, O king."
He answered and said, "Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God."
That's it. That's what I know. I know that sometimes the only apparent blessing for choosing faith is the privilege of being aware that Christ is present and helping. Those sweet moments are refining, but because we're still in the process of creation, still in the process of being forged into the brilliant precious metal we're meant to be, that experience of added testimony serves to kindle the fire all the more, but maybe hope does die in the fire. If so, it only dies because BELIEF is now born and BELIEF in Christ is the part in the chemistry experiment where God finally has something to work with in order to bring to pass His work, His glory, His miraculous path of eternal life for each of us.
Christ tells us-
"Be not afraid, only believe." (Mark 5:36)
"If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." (Mark 9:23)
"As many as receive me, to them will I give power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe in my name." (D&C 11:30)
Bruce R. McConkie writes
Eternal life is the name of the kind of life [God] lives. Those who so obtain become like him and are as he is. They live in the family unit and bear spirit children of their own; they have all power, all might, and all dominion. They know all things. He ordained and established the plan of salvation to enable them to advance and progress and become like him. It includes, first, an eternity of preparation as spirit beings in a premortal life. Then comes a mortal probation, on one of the earths provided, during which the faithful must remain in communication with their Father. They must receive revelation, see visions, enjoy the gifts of the Spirit, and know God, if they are to be saved. The plan of salvation is the same on all worlds and in all ages. ("The Millenial Messiah", pg 37)I love how simply he summarizes our part while here in mortality. "...the faithful must remain in communication with their Father..." This brings me back to the end of the metaphor of my friend's burnt house. Is there a happy end to be found there? The renovation is still underway, but knowing my friend and her family, I'm confident beauty from ashes will come. That house is still in the middle of its story, and guess what has been discovered in the process? As it's been gutted, they've discovered that the original layout of the house included rooms and spaces designed for Muslim prayer rituals.
Of course, those designated prayer spaces are of no use in a house unless used by the individual those spaces were designed for. Similar to the architects of that house, God, who is our maker and master architect, has provided within each one of us the means for us to personally communicate with him through prayer transmitted from our own minds to him, and a means of receiving communication straight from him directly inside our tabernacles of flesh into our individual hearts and minds.
One of the most vital things we can do here during our soul-renovation mortal lives is to keep in prayerful contact with Our Maker because he's the only one who can take us by the hand and show us the way to inherit all that is available to a child of deity. We work with him by letting hope and faith yield experience and BELIEF and knowledge and refinement and intelligence and one day joint-heirship with Christ.
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